Black and White: The Dating Scene

Tag this post under the “I don’t understand women” section, if you want, it definitely belongs there, too:

So everyone and their mother knows that for the longest time, blacks and whites never dated. Even today, you really don’t see to many interracial couples that are black/white. There are far more black/asian, black/hispanic, white/hispanic, and white/asian couples than there are white/black couples.

Why is this? Well, here in the south, there is still a strong Jim Crow legacy, coupled with cases like that of Emmett Till, and others, and that legacy has certainly spread throughout the nation, but mostly, I figure it’s the whole “it’s just always been that way” sort of thing. While I haven’t had the opportunity to talk to many whites about this (most whites I know get kinda….shy…when talking about black people), but I have talked to many blacks about it. As you can imagine, there are two main versions of “why” and which version you get depends on which gender you talk to.

Most black women will blame society, the media, other races (and white women in particular), or any combination of those three. Virtually all black men will point to one, single source as the main incentive to break with tradition and seek relationships outside of “the race”, and that’s black women themselves.

Firstly, I’ll go through the arguments put up by black women (some of which, you might be surprised to hear me say, are valid), and then we’ll visit the other side of the coin:

Black Women
Most black women you ask will be quick to tell you that the fact that more and more black men are dating outside of the black race is an important issue to them; some will even label it as an “epidemic” or “problem”. The most common factors most black women point to are media brainwashes them, society makes them think it’s ok (as if it’s not, but we’ll get to that) or white women are just after rich, black men for their money. Now, all of these statements actually have some truth in them. In the media today, you are more likely to see lighter-skinned black women in the limelight more so than dark-skinned women. Think Beyonce, Halle, Jada Pinkett-Smith, and Nia Long. While the prevalence of light-skinned over dark-skinned in music, movies and tv hardly qualifies as “brainwashing”, I do know that it does play a factor in how black men view black women. Mostly, light-skinned girls get more attention than dark-skinned girls, but that’s not to say that all black men think dark-skinned girls are “not as good”.

The second argument is that society promotes interracial dating or somehow encourages it. I fail to see the problem with this. Seriously, if you have a problem with races mixing, no matter what race you are, you’re well on your way to being a racist (and yes, there are just as many black racists as their are whites, but that’s another entry). I applaud the fact that society is finally viewing interracial couples for exactly what they are: NORMAL.

Finally, there’s the “thieving white woman” theory. Out of all three arguments, this one, to me, holds the most water, especially here in the south. One need only to look at the life of Montel Williams. Why him? Well, its no small fact that Montel has been married for quite some time to a white lady. Everything seemed to be going well with them until Montel was diagnosed with cancer. There was talk of him quiting his talk show, which meant a severe drop in monetary income. So, what does his loving wife do? She splits faster than the roadrunner of my childhood. This (not quite so) highly publicized story repeats itself quite often around the country:

Wealthy black guy marries white girl. Black guy runs into some problems, and the money isn’t as good, and the white girl’s gone before you know it. Now, not all white women are scheming gold-diggers, but when it comes to black men, especially black men with money, white women (and just women in general) tend to come out of the woodworks trying to gain his attention, affection and money.

Having said all this, however, I still fail to see where dating white women is such a world-ending event for black women. In fact, just like I stated before, most black men point to black women themselves as the reason why they (black men) are willing to date outside the race:

Black Men
Any conversation with a group of black men, or even just one black man, about interracial dating will produce the question/statement “I just don’t see the big deal. Race is supposed to be unimportant, so why are black women always buggin’ out about this?” Well, some possible answers to that question are discussed above, but the most important question is “Why even bother if all it causes is drama with black women?”

Well, the answer most likely to be given is “most black women live, create, and thrive around drama, anyway”. While the truthfulness of this statement, and it’s application to the black female population as a whole, is definitely up for debate, it is still the mos popular reason given by black men. From “my baby-daddy” to “my ex-boyfriend(s)” or “my girl’s baby-daddy” or “my girl’s ex (or current) boyfriend(s)”, there seems to be no limit to the amount of drama that surrounds your stereotypical 18-20-something black female. Seriously, in my experience and opinion, it’s like most black females physically graduate high school, but mentally, they’re still right there in homeroom gossiping about who did what to whom.

I, personally, am very put off by the lack of maturity shown by most black women my age now days (I’m 26 as a reference). Any walk through a shopping mall, or any other public place for that matter, will produce at least one obnoxiously loud black female(s) chatting away about…whatever, I really don’t care. The one thing I don’t get is how in one breath black women can complain that black men don’t respect them by the way they (black men) portray them (black women) in videos and music, and in the very next breath completely butcher the English language…and quite loudly, at that…

This really confounds me.

Now, this is not to say there are no educated, well-mannered 26 year-old black females out there. This is just me merely stating trends that I see (and trust me, even if black males did only date black females, the females wouldn’t have that great of a choice. Black male-dom is on a serious decline”.

Well, I’ll close with this though. If you’re a black guy seriously considering dating a girl from another race, consider why you’re about to make this decision. Is it truly for love or is it just to test the water “on the other side”, and if you’re a black girl who’s pissed about black guys dating outside the race, ask yourself this: “If I am so pissed about this man dating a white/asian/hispanic/whatever lady, what do I have against that race?” And be honest with yourselves in your answers, the truth may surprise you.

a:\>ice9

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~ by Deuce on March 11, 2007.

7 Responses to “Black and White: The Dating Scene”

  1. Blog discussing interracial dating issues and relationships in today’s world.
    Are you in a same-race relationship and are cheating on your spouse interracially

  2. Black C, if black women were to use the same excuse “bad experiences with the first black man” in their life, very few black couples would be dating at all. There are faaaaaaar more bad black father figures than there are mothers, there are far more children who have had “bad experience” with the black men in their life (if they even have an “experience” with their fathers at all). That excuse is a cop-out. It’s Punk Logic. Spineless. If you want to date white women, date them. But be a man about it and do it because you want to; don’t pull up that lame excuse about “bad experiences”, If “bad experiences” stopped us from dating people, then why aren’t more white people being exlcuded? Certainly almost all black people have had a “bad experience” with MANY white people, INCLUDING RACIST WHITE WOMEN, yet black men would slit their own throats before they DARE label the whole race of white women and exclude them in the dating pool. You couldn’t pay them to treat us with the same common courtesy. Date them, but don’t blame us.

    I’d be pissed off if someone dated me only because they couldn’t stand someone else. What an insult! Date me because you like me, not because you can’t seem to get along with every single female in your own race.

  3. Bakang,

    Thanks for the comment. As a fellow dark-skinned person, I can honestly say I feel your pain. I was in a social situation this past weekend at a NSBE (National Society of Black Engineers) function in Ohio where I had the opportunity to mix and mingle with other NSBE members (in short, we went out the the club). Anyway, it really amazed me how all the light-skinned guys were getting all the attention from both the light skinned AND dark-skinned ladies. “Surely”, I thought, “the dark-skinned ladies would understand the stigma of being dark-skinned, and thus wouldn’t shun fellow dark-skinned people”. Well, I guess my logic is only mine. At any rate, it just goes to show that with in the black race, the lighter you are, the better off you’ll be. Just look at Beyonce and Kelley Rowland. Beyonce’s engaged to who? Jay-Z? The CEO of all Rap and Hip Hop. Kelley? Wait…where has she been, lately???

    My point exactly.

  4. I date white women exclusively because as a dark-skinned male i have had to deal wuth the humiliation of being dark.My own fellow black women through their humiliation have made me realise that iam far better of with white women because i know that atleast being dark is a non-issue to them.

  5. Black C, that is a good point. I think that many black men have had such a bad experience with black women (not just their mothers), that they are starting to look outside of the population black women to find love. Like you pointed out, it’s not only the skin color that determines what a person acts like.

  6. The first black woman in my life (my mother) wasn’t a very good role model for me to follow. So as I grew and noticed the way other people in other races treated each other (they seemed to be kinder in ways that my mother wasn’t) I wanted that in my life. So I married a white woman. BUT! This woman was just as unstable as my mother!

    I thought I was doing the right thing but it isn’t the color of the persons skin but how they were raised. I love fine black women just as much as I love fine white women. I seem to prefer
    white women more so because of the first black woman in my life.
    I wonder if other black men have gone though this too.

  7. Interesting…

    I’m going to keep it real…from a black woman to a black man – black women have SERIOUS self-esteem issues which is why a lot of us are hurt to see brothas with women of other races. The “trends” that you’re seeing in black women are directly related to self-esteem. I mean, you really don’t have to look far to see this – women being objectified in videos, the materialism, and the fact that a lot of black women never had any strong examples of black men in their childhood.

    Black women have the strong need to feel validated…by our society and ESPECIALLY by our men. Let’s face it…black women have always been on the bottom of the desirability totem pole, which is sad. Yes, there are the exceptions..Halle Berry, Beyonce and Nia Long, all gorgeous women by the way, but as you pointed out they’re on the lighter end of the spectrum and don’t fairly represent all the shades of black women. Black women feel left out, abandoned, cheated and envious.

    The sad part is I don’t think that validation from society is coming anytime soon. Black women need to wake up and stop waiting for the world to tell us we’re beautiful, smart and important, and start believing it for ourselves. Once we start doing that, we’ll stop giving a damn if brotha chooses a white girl over us.

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